Neuro Lynguistic Programming NLP Midlands UK

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Hinckley Leicester, Leicestershire, East Midlands, Warwickshire , Nuneaton, Great Britain, GB, UK

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NLP Skills - Rapport

Tools and techniques to try out:
Building Rapport with Other People	Anchoring Positive Feelings
Interviews	Swish Pattern for Habits
Success	Playing with Submodalities
Stories	Meta Mirror
Metaphor in team building	Your Preferred Communication Style
Career Planning by Coaching Yourself	Information on other sites
Discover your 'Circle of Excellence'	Use the Problem Unsticker

The magic of rapport is something that many people take for granted. Rapport is the feeling between two people that they can relate to each other. When two people socially interact, the whole relationship is very much built on each persons ability to relate to the other person. It is this "relating" to each other that is the foundation of rapport resulting in the two people liking each other. If you ever deal with people, and everybody does unless they're a hermit living in the mountains in which case you would probably not be reading this, the ability to create rapport between your associates and yourself is invaluable.

The first thing you will notice when you see two people together who really get along well is how much like each other they are. You'll notice this most of all when you see two lovers together. They'll gaze into each others eyes with the same expression on their faces, they'll be displaying the same body language, and they'll be speaking in the same tone of voice and pace of speech. Have a good look next time and you'll start to notice all these things. (NOTE: I do not endorse stalking or Peeping Tommery in any way and am not suggesting you engage in these activities).

By observing the process by which two people get to feel more at home with each other it is possible to enhance this effect when you are speaking to people yourself. That is what this article is about - Building Rapport.

Rapport in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

The key to building rapport is an ability to enter somebody else's world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first thing to realise about states of mind is that they are closely tied to body language. If someone is sitting with their arms crossed, legs crossed and wearing a frown on their face you can safely assume that they are not going to be very receptive to what you have to say. If, on the other hand, they have an open posture (i.e. arms and legs in fairly relaxed open positions) then they are going to be more open to what you have to say. Have you ever noticed that when you feel depressed you tend to mope around with your head hanging, dragging your feet? Try feeling depressed while skipping and smiling - I'll bet you cant do it. Body language is a fascinating subject but suffice it to say for now that your physical state is closely tied to your emotional state.

Entering Somebody Else's World Using Rapport

If you want to create rapport with someone it is as simple as this: you have to enter their world. Once you enter their world you can see things from their perspective, feel the way they do and from there enhance the whole relationship.

The process by which you enter somebody else's world is called mirroring. Mirroring is basically copying the other persons body language, breathing and voice patterns to become like them. It is literally becoming a mirror image of the other person. When you do this you will both feel like you have known each other for ever. It seems a little hard to believe at first but once you try it you will see for yourself how true it is. Some people find the idea of mirroring somewhat uncomfortable and feel that they are trying to fool or take advantage of the other person. Mirroring occurs naturally as a part of rapport building so don't feel you are doing anything false. All you are doing is being aware of that process and trying to enhance it. And anyway, if you feel bad about doing it then you are probably not the type of person to take advantage of anyone anyway so don't worry.

Start first of all by aligning your body language. Try not to make this obvious or it will appear that you are mocking them and that will of course have the opposite effect. Look at things like the angle of their head, how their feet are pointing if they're standing, how their legs are crossed if they are sitting, and their facial expression. Subtley copy their posture and you will feel the whole interaction change. You can try half-mirroring them if you feel uncomfortable with full mirroring at first. To half-mirror simply do a half version of what the other person is doing. e.g. if they are crossing their arms you can grab one of your elbows with one hand. If they have their hands in their pockets you can put one hand in your pocket. If they are rocking back and forward on their feet you can rock now and then so that you don't feel you are mocking them. Just simply copy their body language to the point you feel comfortable with.

Listen to the pace and tone of their voice. If the person is speaking fast then you should speak fast too. If the person uses pauses at different parts of his sentences then you should try to match that speech pattern. Be observant and you'll be able to pick up a lot more mannerisms than what you are used to noticing - then simply copy them all. The same applies here as to the last point. If you can't make it seem natural then perhaps ease off a little. You are trying to build rapport not take the mickey out them!

Breathing is a very important part of a mental state. If you want to enter somebody else's world then you must match their breathing. This is of course closely related to speech but I have chosen to mention it here because I think it is worth mentioning as a point of its own due to the important link between breathing and emotional/mental state. Observe the other person's breathing and try to match it.

Exercise

Begin to notice people who are in rapport. Can you see two people now who are in rapport? What do you notice about them?

Is rapport something that happens actively or passively? Do we get on with people because we have rapport, or do we have rapport because we get on with people? Is it a circular process - reinforcing itself?

Rapport can be tested and also reinforced by matching another person's

Body posture
Voice rhythm and intonation
Facial expression
Common experience
Values
Beliefs

Keep an eye out for people who are in rapport and notice more things that they have in common. Try it yourself - when you're talking to people try matching different aspects from the list above. Try mismatching them too, and notice what happens - notice how you feel about what they're saying and how it changes if you match or mismatch.

We did an experiment in a workshop recently where we matched only parts of the body and we found that matching the lower half - legs, feet etc. - made more difference. Try it out for yourself.

Do you always want to be in rapport with someone? Is it a good idea to choose not to be in rapport? Consider consoling someone who is depressed - do you want to get depressed too? Is that helpful to them? Would you be more or less help to them if you stayed positive?

Is it a good idea to be in rapport with your manager?