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The magic of rapport is
something that many people take for granted. Rapport is the feeling
between two people that they can relate to each other. When two people
socially interact, the whole relationship is very much built on each
persons ability to relate to the other person. It is this
"relating" to each other that is the foundation of rapport
resulting in the two people liking each other. If you ever deal with
people, and everybody does unless they're a hermit living in the mountains
in which case you would probably not be reading this, the ability to
create rapport between your associates and yourself is invaluable.
The first thing you will notice when you see two people
together who really get along well is how much like each other they are.
You'll notice this most of all when you see two lovers together. They'll
gaze into each others eyes with the same expression on their faces,
they'll be displaying the same body language, and they'll be speaking in
the same tone of voice and pace of speech. Have a good look next time and
you'll start to notice all these things. (NOTE: I do not endorse stalking
or Peeping Tommery in any way and am not suggesting you engage in these
activities).
By observing the process by which two people get to feel more at home with
each other it is possible to enhance this effect when you are speaking to
people yourself. That is what this article is about - Building Rapport.
Rapport in Neuro-Linguistic
Programming (NLP)
The key to building rapport is an ability to
enter somebody else's world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first
thing to realise about states of mind is that they are closely tied to
body language. If someone is sitting with their arms crossed, legs crossed
and wearing a frown on their face you can safely assume that they are not
going to be very receptive to what you have to say. If, on the other hand,
they have an open posture (i.e. arms and legs in fairly relaxed open
positions) then they are going to be more open to what you have to say.
Have you ever noticed that when you feel depressed you tend to mope around
with your head hanging, dragging your feet? Try feeling depressed while
skipping and smiling - I'll bet you cant do it. Body language is a fascinating
subject but suffice it to say for now that your physical state is closely
tied to your emotional state.
Entering Somebody Else's
World Using Rapport
If you want to create rapport with someone it
is as simple as this: you have to enter their world. Once you enter
their world you can see things from their perspective, feel the way they
do and from there enhance the whole relationship.
The process by which you enter somebody else's world is called mirroring.
Mirroring is basically copying the other persons body language, breathing
and voice patterns to become like them. It is literally becoming a mirror
image of the other person. When you do this you will both feel like you
have known each other for ever. It seems a little hard to believe at first
but once you try it you will see for yourself how true it is. Some people
find the idea of mirroring somewhat uncomfortable and feel that they are
trying to fool or take advantage of the other person. Mirroring occurs
naturally as a part of rapport building so don't feel you are doing
anything false. All you are doing is being aware of that process and
trying to enhance it. And anyway, if you feel bad about doing it then you
are probably not the type of person to take advantage of anyone anyway so
don't worry.
Start first of all by aligning your body language. Try not to make this
obvious or it will appear that you are mocking them and that will of
course have the opposite effect. Look at things like the angle of their
head, how their feet are pointing if they're standing, how their legs are
crossed if they are sitting, and their facial expression. Subtley copy
their posture and you will feel the whole interaction change. You can try
half-mirroring them if you feel uncomfortable with full mirroring at
first. To half-mirror simply do a half version of what the other person is
doing. e.g. if they are crossing their arms you can grab one of your
elbows with one hand. If they have their hands in their pockets you can
put one hand in your pocket. If they are rocking back and forward on their
feet you can rock now and then so that you don't feel you are mocking
them. Just simply copy their body language to the point you feel
comfortable with.
Listen to the pace and tone of their voice. If the person is speaking fast
then you should speak fast too. If the person uses pauses at different
parts of his sentences then you should try to match that speech pattern.
Be observant and you'll be able to pick up a lot more mannerisms than what
you are used to noticing - then simply copy them all. The same applies
here as to the last point. If you can't make it seem natural then perhaps
ease off a little. You are trying to build rapport not take the mickey out
them!
Breathing is a very important part of a mental state. If you want to enter
somebody else's world then you must match their breathing. This is of
course closely related to speech but I have chosen to mention it here
because I think it is worth mentioning as a point of its own due to the
important link between breathing and emotional/mental state. Observe the
other person's breathing and try to match it.
Exercise
Begin to notice people who
are in rapport. Can you see two people now who are in rapport? What
do you notice about them?
Is rapport something that happens actively
or passively? Do we get on with people because we have rapport, or do we
have rapport because we get on with people? Is it a circular process -
reinforcing itself?
Rapport can be tested and also reinforced
by matching another person's
Body posture
Voice rhythm and intonation
Facial expression
Common experience
Values
Beliefs
Keep an eye out for people who are in
rapport and notice more things that they have in common. Try it yourself -
when you're talking to people try matching different aspects from the list
above. Try mismatching them too, and notice what happens - notice how you
feel about what they're saying and how it changes if you match or
mismatch.
We did an experiment in a workshop recently
where we matched only parts of the body and we found that matching the
lower half - legs, feet etc. - made more difference. Try it out for
yourself.
Do you always want to be in rapport with
someone? Is it a good idea to choose not to be in rapport? Consider
consoling someone who is depressed - do you want to get depressed too? Is
that helpful to them? Would you be more or less help to them if you stayed
positive?
Is it a good idea to be in rapport with
your manager?
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Building 
Use the